Journal Entry

Hurry Up & Wait: Josiah's Birth Story

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

In this world of go, go, go, it is counter-intuitive to take time to be still. Yet in Psalm 46:10,  we are called to be still and know that God is God! If we find ourselves hurriedly trying to speed up a plan or feeling impatient for an answer to prayer, it is the perfect opportunity to step back, let go, and let God. 

Today, the Lord reminded me of the night before my son was born. I was so impatient waiting to meet the baby I had been praying for all my adult life! As I was overexerting myself rearranging nursery furniture, I distinctly remember asking God if I could just hurry up and have my boy, even though it was a whole month before His due date! I rationalized my selfish prayer thinking that if preemies as young as 6 and 7 months survive all the time, surely a baby at 8 months would be fine! A short while later, at about 5 am, my water broke. 

Filled with with shock, joy, anticipation, and the vast array of first-time-mom emotions, I called my doctor. We followed all her directions, which included packing a copy of our "crunchy parent" birthing plan into our overnight bags. My husband then rushed me to the hospital for what would turn out to be the longest day, then longest month, of my entire life! 

With our plan in hand, I had gone in insisting on a completely natural birth. With the help of family, I managed to avoid an epidural but by the end of the night, with no progress in contractions, the team, which included my mama-bear Ginger and sister Hillary, agreed that Pitocin would be necessary to induce labor. It took an act of surrender on my part to go ahead with it. In less than an hour, I went from 2 to 10 cm dilatation and Josiah was born at 11:30 pm. I had no idea how much more surrender would be required of me before God would deem me ready to take my baby home. 

At 19 inches, 7 pounds 9 ounces, the doctor delivered Josiah Brighton from my womb onto my chest. He looked perfectly healthy, with chubby cheeks and pudgy limbs. But as he let out his first cries on earth, the medical crew around me began to speak of shallow breathing. After holding my new baby boy for less than 2 minutes, they took him to a nearby table to examine him. They called in another doctor. Then they took my son to another room and my husband followed. I prayed and waited restlessly to find out what was going on. How many more minutes until I could hold my baby again? I wondered. When would I get to nurse him for the first time? Were we missing the golden opportunity for latching on and bonding time? Where did everyone go? It was quiet in my room but not in my mind.

Finally, the secondary doctor came in and updated me. He told me that they had put my son in a special incubator. His lungs were not fully inflated. The hospital did not have the proper equipment or specialists to care for him. An infant transporting ambulance was on its way to pick him up in central California and take him to a much larger hospital one hour north. 

My heart ached. For the first time in 8 months, my son and I were apart. Far apart. And I would not get to hold him during his first night outside of my belly. I waved goodbye to my son as the EMTs and nurses transferred him into the incubator aboard the ambulance. Then my husband rushed out to follow behind them. 

I had so many feelings. So many questions. So many prayers. And so much time to hurry up and wait. And in the waiting. . . there was learning to be had. Learning to be still. To be still and know. To be still and know that He is God. . . As for my "birthing plan," which was ultimately irrelevant, the Lord still made use of it as kindling for the fire He was about to ignite in my heart.

While seeking rest and refuge in Christ, I couldn't help but ask Him, Would I ever see my baby again? Either way, I knew God knew best. So I prayed and trusted and waited for daybreak.

Thankfully, I wasn't alone. Hillary slept with one eye open on the uncomfortable roll-away bed next to me, waiting until she could drive me to the other hospital. But more than that, she was there to minister to me, wiping away my tears, holding my hand, and speaking words of comfort, hope and life into my lonely helpless heart. 

Morning came, and so did more waiting. Waiting to sign the early release paperwork. The birth certificate. The discharge instructions. The billing forms. There were moments I was tempted to flip out and run to the car. But God's voice spoke through James 1:2-6:

Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

So I hurried up. . . and waited some more. Finally, the time came for Hillary to wheel me out to the car. She took us straight to the NICU up north and filmed a little video clip of the first time I got to see Josiah again (you can find it below). The doctors and nurses there talked to us about what they had done to help Josiah's situation. They also said that he was not ready to get off the breathing or feeding tubes. To break it all down, they said that my son happened to be born in a window of strange medical phenomena in gestation. If he been born two weeks sooner or two weeks later, "he probably would have had no issues at all." But since he was born when he was born, they couldn't give me a clear projection of what the days ahead would look like. 

Day after day, I hardly left my son's side. I was there with him as much as possible. My husband tried but he felt overwhelmed by helplessness and the baby's fragility, so he made frequent trips to the cafeteria or to the car to walk the dog. Meanwhile, the nurses taught me how to take Josiah's temperature and change his diapers with all the wires and tubes attached to him. They helped me to hold him without unplugging anything. He faced a few battles with jaundice but fought his way through those, earning a bruised heel from all the blood-test needle-poke scars. 

Then came one of the scariest days I ever faced. It was the day when Josiah's medical equipment malfunctioned and the doctors wouldn't let me console my shivering, crying baby. I had to stand back and wait until another specialist arrived. I ran out of the room to a nearby corner where I could still hear Josiah's cries, and I sobbingly consulted the only true specialist there is--God. 

I got down on my face before the Lord in distress and anguish. I fell apart, asking Him why this was all happening, and why it was getting worse, not getting better? I yelled under my breath, "God, I've sought you in surrender through this whole process, and I know you have the power to heal my boy so I can just take him home!" 

Suddenly, a calm stillness overcame my soul. The presence of the Lord fell upon me. The tuft of emotional chaos that clouded my mind completely cleared. The tears that rained down my cheeks stopped. All at once, I knew. I knew that He was God, and I knew what He was after all along! It was not Josiah. . . It was me! 

In that moment, I was in the same spiritual position as Abraham. God was asking me to give Him the preeminence--to put Him above all else in my life--even if it meant letting go of the son I had dreamed of for over ten years. I had to decide right then and there if I was willing to lay my boy down on the altar to God and trust Him no matter what happened--even if He took Josiah back. 

I looked to heaven and nodded, giving God my all in all. 

Oh, the peace. The peace which passeth all understanding. It flooded my soul! I was washed and made clean all over again. . . Clean of the idol I had built and worshiped, deep down in my wicked and deceitful heart, without even realizing it. God then synced me up with Job's saying, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (1:21). 

As I blessed God's name in my innermost being, I wept; He had used the physical realm to bring me, such an unworthy sinful wretch, to a place of spiritual oneness with Him. All at once, I felt the gravity of willingly laying down my only son, which actually meant laying myself down, too. Right there and then, I learned the true meaning of agape--the highest form of love--God's love. John 3:16 became realer to me than ever: "For God so loved the world, that he GAVE his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." So how then do I continue to walk in that state of agape, reciprocating to God in gratitude? It is simple but not easy. By the power of the Holy Spirit, as Paul wrote in Galatians  2:20, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." 

It was a few more weeks before my husband and I could take our baby home.

Now Josiah is an extremely happy, healthy, handsome 2 year old, growing into a man after God's own heart. And though my husband and I frequently fall short of God's righteousness, we continually humble ourselves, individually and unitedly, before the Lord in surrender; As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9 ,"He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

So my friends, if you ever find yourself in a season of waiting, the best wisdom I can pass on to you is, "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God" (Phillipians 4:6); "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Yours in Christ, 

Nora McElwain